Why Me? (Trigger Warning)

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It’s not negative thinking. It’s accepting the reality that I will never beat my depression. It’s coming to terms this thing is more potent than I am. It’s assuming this is now my life. No one knows how I feel and what’s taking place inside my mind. My soul has come to peace that this is it. Every depression is different. I have a personality disorder. How much can a person take? It’s easier to accept defeat, and I feel so defeated!!

You can try to convince me all you want, but I’ve come to an understanding that this is it. Last night I thought about taking the fork I was eating with and slit my throat. It was the worst thoughts, and it surprised me!! Then my thoughts said, dragged it down deep into your skin. I laid the fork down and went to sleep.

I woke up tired 😓 , Confuse, hungry, lost, and alone. It felt as if no one is around; I have no one to turn to. Like a child lost, search for their parents. I felt lonely, and it bothered me. I didn’t like it!

Go on vacation, getaway, they say. It won’t work; I can’t leave my thoughts behind. What’s the point of wasting money!!

3 Comments on “Why Me? (Trigger Warning)

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not fair and it shouldn’t be happening to you. I understand what you mean by accepting it for what it is and stop contradicting or denying depression. Acceptance is the first step to recovery, it’s not essentially a defeat. See it like sending people to scout the distance from army camp or to measure the losses that might be possible. Knowing when to retreat in a battle rather than charging headfront without examining the overall situation is foolish not brave. Facing reality and to accept you’re going through a hard time that may or may not just cease to happen immediately is a way of preparing yourself mentally for a long battle. Remember, those of us with depression, are in here for the marathon. It’s not an easy sprint, the winner doesn’t get to be the fastest to reach the finishing line. It’s about holding on and sticking up no matter what till the end. It’s about slowing down and taking one step at a time for as long as it takes to reach the end. That needs a different kind of strength.

    I don’t want to preach or advise you, I wouldn’t know what to. But I want you to know that you are not alone in this and you’re definitely not defeated. You’re only getting started.

    Trust me, it’s not a waste of money if you can get in touch with a proper treatment plan and medical personnel. Yes, therapy or healing, whatever you use, is very hard and uncomfortable but it gets better. What you’re struggling with now, suddenly the weight gets lighter. I won’t say it vanishes totally, but you get taught ways in which you can maybe take breaks while balancing all your burden and believe that makes a difference.

    You’re brave for surviving and putting the fork down and calmly pushing the thoughts out of your mind. Every situation like that calls for immense control and presence of mind. Take pride in your wins and hugs. 💕

    Like

    • I’ve been in therapy going on four years and medication. My therapist encourages me to write because she realized how good of a writer I am. So I write whatever comes to my mind when I am going through an episode. I then share my writings with her.

      I started writing at the age of 10. As I got older, my writing changed. I was in denial about my mental state of mind. I felt people with depression are crazy, and medication is harmful to you.

      All that changed when I opened my mind and accepted this is my new life. Despite everything, I am different, unique in my way. Spend two months in outpatient treatment, refused to accept the fact that I needed more treatment. It did help, and I left with DBT skills.

      I have a BorderLine-Personality Disorder/depression/anxiety, and I act on my impulsiveness.

      Writing helps a lot, but my work is dark, and that might scare people. This entire blog is dark, and I was afraid to share it with the world.

      Thank the words of encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for sharing all this. It’s completely alright to write about dark and uncomfortable truth that you’re dealing with on a regular basis. Don’t let what other people feel, get to you. You’re not responsible for making them feel comfortable to happy. You write for your own sake and if you enjoy it or it helps you, that’s good enough. The right people will respect your decisions and know better than to judge you. You’ve come a really long way! No wonder you seemed resilient. I’m so proud of you fellow writer! Hugs. 💜💜

        Like

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