I can’t alter time and relive happy memories. I can only move forward and create new ones. Living with a mental illness is by far the most challenging journey I’ve ever endured. It’s a constant battle to stay positive in a world that’s so negative. It’s easier to isolate oneself in a dark room curl up in a fetal position as tears roll down your cheek in a sweltering room.
Reprogramming our minds is quite tricky. Imagine living in a cave and never seeing the outside world, and when you do get a glimpse, you quickly retreat because the only place you know is inside that dark cave.
That’s how my depression feels. I consider myself to be quite fragile, not in appearance but mentally. When I don’t want to be touch, I’m often confused and become Irritated when I can’t make a simple decision. I get frustrated by The slightest movement. A simple question asked at the wrong time will trigger my anger.
I’ve spent so much time in my emotional mind that it has become my comfort zone. I stress over paranoid thoughts. There was a point when I would turn the ringer on my phone off because it triggered my anxiety and anger.
Medication changes frighten me. I often find myself fighting off my anxiety before it goes into full effect. I can’t sleep at night due to my night terrors. I am being startled out of my sleep, screaming and choking.
Yet every morning, I wake up, choosing a mask for the day and wear it. Then I return home, back to my isolation, anger, anxiety, depression, and every symptom that falls in line with it.
Then in the morning, I chose a different mask.