My Deepest Thoughts In a Trouble Mind

This picture has no filter, and the lighting was perfect. But that’s not the purpose of this post. I feel trapped between two worlds, the real and unreal. I’m living in the present but spend most of my time living out life through my daydreams. A perfect world controlled by me, and yet I still have faults in my dreams. It isn’t easy being me. Living my life doesn’t come easy. I wish things were different, like not being emotionally attached to negativity. I want to disconnect from a bad WiFi and reboot myself.

If I die before I wake, deny me entry into heaven, I’ve forgotten to repent.

I’ve done many things in my life. At the age of 37, I’ve not seen it all. I’m still young, although I tell myself I’m old. I don’t feel like Gillian; I understand with age that we become wiser and see life differently. We’ve taken on a different role, and reality is sinking in. There has to be a way to wash away all the sins. I’m not a child or a careless teen. I am a woman at yet I still make silly mistakes when it comes to relationships. Am I that with a teen mentality? Or is it just my personality?

I can’t find anything within myself to justify why the opposite sex gravitates to me. Within myself, I see a weak child, foolish and unwilling to learn from their mistakes. I take everything at face value, easily manipulated. I am caring but focusing energy and time on the broken, hoping to help them rebuild themselves.

Being a shoulder, they can rest their head. While my intentions are pure, I seem to always walk away with my heart ❤️ in my hands. I’m not relationship intelligent, if that’s a thing. I can’t recode my DNA or take on a new personality. I am who I am. No matter how hard I try, I always fail. There has not been one relationship that has ever worked for me😪Am I a broken child? I know a trauma victim I am. My innocence was stolen as a child😪 , A spirit walking, head low. I am unseeing by the living. I no longer exist; this how I think.

I’m not sure the path I am on. Whether I should get off and turn around, keep going into the nothing. Happiness has given up on me. Hope has deserted me. I am left to sit in a dark room and reflect on my mistakes.

Confined to a dark and eerie place, the only sounds you can hear are the teardrops falling from my face. I scream for freedom, but no one is around to free me from the shackles locked around my feet. Defeated, I feel, but day in and day out, I cry into the darkness, hoping to be heard. I sit in the dark and patiently wait.

There is no 2021 resolution. Dreams, foolish words whispered within, but the outcome is always the same😪😪 I rather not rush the future, as the present has me stuck. I’m drowning but desperately trying to stay afloat🙏 Keep your prayers. Faith no longer trusts me.

Keep your love, and my heart is growing cold. Keep your hugs, and my hands are restricted. I’m not allowed to reach out for love. Comfort those who have a purpose in life.

Let me hush me to a night of deep sleep.😪
Just read me a bedtime story. Now I lay me down to sleep, and I pray for my soul the lord to keep. If I die before I wake, deny me entry into heaven, I’ve forgotten to repent.


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