Why do I even fight? Why do I even bother? I’m suffering from a mental illness that I am working to control. With the help of weekly therapy and medication. Despite this illness, I am determined to push through and fight. I enrolled in a Master’s program because it was a goal I wanted to achieve. I dropped my class last week because I earned an F which affected my team members as well. I tend to act on impulsiveness and immediately fell into the category and decided to start over. I couldn’t handle the F. As simple as this may seem to others, it was difficult for me to digest.
As a result of this, I once again inadvertently open the doorway to a painful childhood memory. I remembered being in second grade, and a student by the name of Christina had told our teacher I stole a textbook. I remembered walking around the classroom searching for the book I never stole. The teacher told me I was a thief, while the other students stood by watching. Christina insisted I did steal the book.
I’m not sure what took place after that; what I know is the book was found hidden, and Christina admitted she lied. I remember the teacher comforting me and apologizing. I locked this memory away for over three decades. During the therapy, we discussed whether I was making the right decision with the school? Is it too soon? It seems, when I get a failing grade, it triggers painful childhood memories.
I endured a painful childhood in school. Over the past few months, I’ve had memories invading my mind.
It was hard to digest because I want this degree, but to what extent? The one thing that’s supposed to give me joy? has now turned into a trigger for painful memories.
I can’t seem to get anything right. Now I’m wondering if I should put school off or don’t go back.