I Am Hurting

I guess happiness never lasts long, and sadly that is the card dealt. To be stable one minute and unstable the next is nothing more than a roller coaster ride. Yet all I can do is allow the emotion to pass while maintaining my composure. Smile while crying inside. No one can ever tell me; how I feel as we each experience life in our way.

I can’t appreciate the positive in my life because I am preoccupied with intrusive and unwanted thoughts that threaten my state of mind. My Borderline Personality Disorder is working overtime. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be an average person.

All I can do is practice my DBT skills when an emotion, behavior or impulsiveness, rear its head around the corner.

What’s even more bothersome are my children growing up in a home with a depressive mother. How this affects, I’m not sure as I stay far away from understanding any of their emotions that I cause. For the most part, I try to provide them with a happy life.

I take advantage of the days I’m feeling upbeat by spending time with my children because it’s the only opportunity they will ever get.

They keep their distance when I’m not well. It’s not a good feeling when your child approaches you to ask if you’re happy before asking for something. If I say no, we turn away and go our separate ways.

The only thing that keeps me is writing.

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